It’s Saturday, October 19. It’s almost time to pack up ministry for the morning. All the girls are inside awaiting their procedures. One has walked out and left, saving her baby, to God be the glory! It’s raining pretty heavily as I walk up to Jason on the sidewalk. There are two escorts standing and chatting at the corner. I jokingly ask him if he is trying to avoid a shower later, standing directly in the rain like that. He tells me that the escorts have discussed a piece of my testimony, which I had shared with a couple of young ladies as they were walking toward the clinic. My hope was that these girls, both looking to be in their early twenties, would hear the pain they were setting themselves up for and change their minds about ending the lives of their unborn babies. I shared with them as many small bits and details of my story that I could fit in as we walked down the sidewalk. Mostly, I wanted them to know how I regretted my choice to abort my child and that God loves them and their babies so much that he would make a way for them to either keep and raise them or place them in a home with a loving family through adoption. “Women don’t regret abortion. No one regrets an abortion after they have had one,” is the conclusion these two escorts, both women, have come to. I look over at them, I look back at Jason, and I say, “Someone regrets their abortion. I regret my abortion.”
When I arrive home from the clinic I plant myself in front of my laptop and type “do women regret abortion?” into the search engine. I have researched this before, so I already know what I will find. All of the top results come from pro-choice sites and they say that women do not regret abortion. It breaks my heart to see how Satan has used these sites to lie women and make them believe their unborn children are only clumps of tissue, masses of cells. They tell them it’s a simple medical procedure and they will be able to continue their lives as if nothing ever happened, as soon as its over. They do not tell them that their babies had heartbeats just 18 days after conception and brain waves after the 6th week of pregnancy. They fail to tell them about the sadness they may feel after their children are ripped from their wombs. They don’t tell them that the date of their children’s death may be forever burned into their memories or that, even years later, they might wonder “what if I had chosen life?”.
I decide to change it up a little and I type “I regret my abortion” into the engine. Two seconds later my screen is filled with account after account and testimony after testimony of women who regret their abortions. A twenty year old lady said, “I cried and cried until I had nothing left in me but it wasn’t enough to bring my baby back to me.” Another said “ Its been 4 months now, and it still hurts like it was yesterday.” If that cannot be called regret, I’m not sure what can be. The stories of these young ladies and others like them can be found at http://www.gargaro.com/regrets.html, but there are thousands more that will pop up if you search “I regret my abortion”, showing that women do indeed regret abortion.
As for me, I was 18 years old, a few weeks from turning 19. I worked at Taco Bell. I had a 16 month old son and we lived with my parents, but they were preparing to move out of state and I would be moving in with my boyfriend. I was a party girl. I drank often and used various drugs like marijuana, cocaine, and LSD. I learned I was pregnant when I went to the health department to get on birth control. I was scared to tell anyone that I had done this again, after already having a baby at the age of 17. I waited a couple of weeks, delusional that it would just go away or that I could will it away, before I told my family and my boyfriend. The immediate response from everyone was abortion. “What in the world are you going to do with another baby? You can’t do this alone. You’ve been partying, the baby will be born sick or with disabilities. I will leave you if you have and keep this baby.” Those were the kinds of things I was hearing from my parents and boyfriend. At this point, I saw no other option and chose to go through with the abortion. My heart was heavy. Despite what doctors and nurses were saying, I knew this was a baby growing in my womb, a human life, but I continued on with the abortion. I thought I would get used to the idea, get over it. There was no way around this. The regret came immediately after I awoke from a surgical abortion. I remember thinking “I was pregnant when they put me to sleep an now I’m not…but I don’t have a baby.” I was unable to forgive myself until I met and fell in love with Jesus about 14 years later. Through his grace and mercy alone, I am forgiven and by having faith in his forgiveness, I was able to let go of the self hate I had harboured from this for so many years. I know that he is not dwelling on my sins, so I shouldn’t either. God’s forgiveness and forgiving myself have not taken the regret away. Through Jesus, I have found healing for the wounds, but that does not extinguish memories and regrets. My baby was due to be born on September 26, 1998. He would be 15 years old today, a sophomore in high school. I wonder what he would have been like. Would he look like me? I wish I could have held him. I find comfort in knowing I will meet my baby in heaven when the time comes, and we will live together eternally.
Maybe there are some women who have buried their regret after abortion. Maybe some have been lied to so fiercely by the enemy that they never had regrets. In my own personal experience, I can say that there are definitely women who regret their abortions.